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Mermaids etc.

Stillwater salmon fly fishing in England

Updated 14/08/14 The mermaids have moved to a new home!

01/08/14  Some people say our lake isn't very big but it's big enough for a cruise liner to sail around. I took this picture the other day and something is afoot. Quite a few mermaids are packing their bags and moving to another part of the lake. Maybe they're off to a new website, I hope they take me with them.

It's fairly easy to catch a mermaid in a seine net once you've found a water they inhabit. Find a lake like ours, mermaids find salmon are good company. There're not like a salmon though (which just flaps about helplessly once netted), they use their intelligence and guile to free themselves. This one slid round the edge of the net and looked at me, see below.
You may think this looks ok, even good, but when you actually meet one you'll find they are very fearsome creatures indeed. Your heart will start pounding and your legs will turn to jelly. Best to retreat up the bank and let them swim away.

08/07/14 I came across this mermaid the other day, you might have seen her at Birmingham University convincing all those academic sceptics that mermaids really do exist. I kept saying hello but she refused to acknowledge me, she just rolled her eyes and looked skywards with a bored look.
Come to think of it, I get that same treatment from female humans all the time too.
I did wonder how her arms didn't get tired from holding them up like that all the time though, but mermaids hold many, many mysteries that I just don't understand.

30/06/14 Of course some anglers can do well and bag a catch limit of mermaids. Occasionally, when I inspect a lucky fisherman's bass bag, I see them lined up like this. I don't know what he'll do when he gets home though, there won't be enough room in the freezer. He could put them in the bath, but his wife might have something to say about that......

16/06/14  More angling advice if you happen to hook a mermaid.
As with salmon, the most nervous moments are at the end of the fight near the net. This angler has chosen to try and beach his catch, a dangerous strategy. He is getting 'the look' (see below) and this mermaid will almost certainly escape.

02/06/14 Female humans and mermaids have one trait in common (apart from being superior beings to us mere anglers). They can give you a look which means something important and you are almost certainly in trouble, but have no idea what it may be.

20/05/14 Sent to me by an angler is this picture. I thought a mermaid needed clear good quality water (like a salmon) but I suppose there must be subspecies that have adapted to different ecological niches, and made friends with catfish from muddy rivers.

10/05/14 Here is another picture of the strange mermaid lookalike. Very much like a mermaid, but easy to spot underwater as they have to use air breathing apparatus. Much harder to come across on dry land though, even David Attenborough has struggled to make a programme on these. Well he would do, he isn't an angler.

02/05/14 Under the surface of the lake you will quite likely bump into one of these. This species is much more dangerous than mermaids, distinguished by having flippers instead of a tail. They can hypnotise you, you have been warned!

21/04/14 Anglers quite often ask me what there is in the lake and I often reply that it's up to them to see what they can tempt out on to the bank with their flies. Occasionally I do have a look but not very often. It's quite scary when one of these glides past.

14/04/14.  During Easter there are a lot of bunnies about.
Us anglers now that this is not a bunny, rabbits do not wear high heeled shoes.
But is she a mermaid or a female human?
Well it's a good disguise then, isn't it?

01/04/14 Of course you could try an experiment. Drag your suspected mermaid down to the sea, to test if she gets all excited and leaps into the water.
This one, almost certainly, is not a mermaid.

20/03/14 One of the purposes of this webpage is to help you learn how to spot a mermaid. As the seasoned mermaid anglers amongst you know, when they get onto dry land they disguise their real form by trying to pass themselves off as a female human being.

Here is another tip. When they get tired from all that swimming they do in the sea, they hop on anything that floats to have a rest. And if you're lucky, you might just see one bobbing around amongst the waves.

07/03/14 Mermaids can be all around us when they are in their dry land disguise so we don't know they are there. But there are a few signs that can betray them. They're not very strong on their legs (as they usually have a tail) and quite often they have to sit down for a rest wherever they can, like this one.

01/03/14 It's a little known fact that mermaids and tom cats get on really well. So when you put your cat out for the night you don't have to worry that he spends most of the time shivering on the tiles, he's probably found somewhere cosy with a friend.

17/02/14 All this wet weather is not very nice for humans but mermaids, like ducks, don't mind it a bit.

26/01/14 A question you might ask is where do the mermaids come from? Well the answer is much the same as how they get anywhere on land, occasionally they get washed up on the shore after a storm.

17/01/14 Occasionally anglers come across strange marking at the waters edge around the lake. They don't believe me when I say they are made by mermaids. But yesterday I finally got photographic evidence and here it is. The camera doesn't lie you know.

I hope all you anglers finally get to catch a blue long tailed mermaid this year.

29/12/13 New Year is party time. Keep an eye on those blue balloons, they are after your lollipop.

21/12/13 It's the time of year when we go to church and sing some carols. There are angels about too.

11/12/13 We had a dryer delivered today. It will save going down the laundrette. Mind you, I'll miss seeing the regulars for a chat.

01/12/13 I'm not the only one that wears a silly hat! Mermaids wear them all the time now we're into December.

17/11/13 We had a police car visit the off road centre behind us yesterday. Lots of people don't like them, calling them names such as PC Plod & the Old Bill, but I disagree. They don't appreciate their finer points and I certainly wouldn't upset this one.

It's been raining a lot recently, just look at the Photo Gallery page. So what do you think mermaids will do with all that water about? Splash around in it? Not likely! They stay indoors and keep dry. I took this photo of one on my setee, just the other day.

31/10/13 On the angler's report page we saw that anglers like a few beers now and then. The thing about mermaids is that they live in water most of the time so when they are on dry land they need to keep well watered. Here is a picture of one doing just that. I don't know what kind of drink that is but it seems to be keeping her in good shape.

19/10/13 Another little known fact about mermaids. Did you know they can climb trees? Of course they can!

06/10/13 Us anglers know a thing or two about seducing mermaids.
Most men think candlelit fish dinners, romantic walks along the beach etc. are what they like, but we know how much mermaids are really hooked on shopping.
So the way to catch them is to tackle up with a designer shoe on 6/0 single hook to a pike set-up and reel 'em in!

23/09/13 Yesterday was hot and sunny, just goes to show that summer isn't over yet. If you tiptoe round the lake you might still come across a mermaid dozing in the sun.

11/09/13 Would you like to know what this lady is doing?
She's running to beat the rush for this seasons tickets at Palm Springs. Hurry! when they're gone, they're gone. That's the tickets of course, there are plenty of mermaids for everyone.

11/08/13  Lying on the beach waiting for the season to start............

10/07/13 The hot weather is here, so the only thing to do is get down to the beach and relax.

30/06/13 When you come fishing at Palm Springs It's a good idea to wear safety glasses and a hard hat for those stray balls from the golf course. This angler needed some help getting kitted out. Glasses over the eyes and hat the right way round please. 
16/06/13 You will find all sorts of helpful information and advice on this website. One of the things you must not do is talk on your mobile when driving.  
Pull over to answer your mobile just like our demonstrator, note you can sit back and relax once the handbrake is on.  
01/01/13 I was out and about the other day and took 2 photos of mermaids. Here is a test for you . One of the picture isn't really a mermaid, can you guess which one?

It's the second one that's not a real mermaid! The second photo is really a statue and not alive at all!
20/05/13 I hatched a plan the other day. I would catch a mermaid when she was walking around on dry land and put her to work cleaning the lodge. It didn't work, they're easy enough to catch but all they try to do is swim in the soap suds. What! you trying to say she's not a mermaid! You can tell a mermaid when they have a tatoo of an anchor on their foot, it's a dead giveaway. You haven't had much experience of mermaids, have you?
13/05/13 The fish lorry came and took away the last of the fry production yesterday so at last I have a bit more time. The fry were in safe hands for the journey, the lorry driver kept her hands on the wheel. 25/04/13 Spring is here, daffs and hyacinths are up. Women like flowers but I never thought I would wish I was a tulip.

13/04/13 This photo was sent to me by our number one angler, Richard Neville. It can't be from Palm Springs in spite of the trees in the background, anyway mermaids have tails. These must be that mythical animal called woman. I've heard rumours about them but this is the first time I've seen what they look like, probably dreamt up by some drunken sailor.

30/03/13  You thought the easter bunny was a little furry animal that hid in the garden didn't you?
20/03/13 If you don't follow my advice and say all the right things you will end up with the wrong response, but sometimes that can be fun too....
06/03/12 It was a really warm day yesterday and what do Englishmen do when their wives wake up from hibernation? Bring them a cup of tea of course, it's a well known fact. You ask them how they are feeling and do they still have that headache, all part of the ritual.

24/02/13  It's freezing cold and there's no sign of spring, hibernation, now there's a thing. 
03/02/13 Washing up is the job most of us men do to make our contribution about the house. It's not too difficult and the worst kind of trouble we get in is to leave a bit of Weetabix stuck on a breakfast bowl. We never own up to smashing a plate from the best china; that would be very foolish, it would disappear never to be found. So how do you go into the lounge and explain you can't get to the sink?    
 21/01/13 Snow's here and nothing is happening. This page was started just over 2 years ago during that long freeze of December 2010 and has been great fun ever since, hope you've enjoyed it too. Not everyone approves but I'm never going to please everyone. I've posted this picture as a reminder that those summer days by the pool will return one day. Unless you are lounging around in Antigua when you only have to look up from your beer!  
12/01/13 Being one of these modern men I turn my hand to a bit of housework occasionally. It's good to have some company for these boring jobs but I do get fed up with having to keep tipping the washing baskets out. I know I'm not very good at the washing but it's not my fault the clothes get crumpled.                                      
01/01/13 Rain, rain, rain rain. There's me racing round with buckets to catch drips, mops to mop up and building dams to stem the floodwaters, I could do with a little more help from the crew.   
 22/12/12  I thought Santa Claus was a fat man with a beard, how wrong can you be? I just hope those 2 presents are for me............ 
 14/12/12 Christmas is approaching and we look forward to receiving all those luvverly pressies from our nearest and dearest. Let me take this opportunity to remind you that the important thing to remember is not how big the present is, but who gave it to you and the spirit in which it was given. 
04/12/12  To get kitted out for the cold weather you have to wear warm clothes. Yes, a fur hat is an excellent idea, but fur is not a good idea for underwear, it tickles.             

22/11/12 Walking along the lake I nearly see a mermaid every time, but I don't have enough space here to post all those mermaid photos stored in my mobile phone . You would be more interested to see this photo of a washed up astronaut which really is an unusual sight. 
11/11/12 It's autumn and there are leaves everywhere. Apples, leaves and all kinds of things can fall out of trees. This lady is a product of the tree of heaven, her hair colour perfectly matches the colour of the leaves, what more proof do you need?  
02/11/12 Grab a glass of wine, sit down for a minute while I go back to the teddy bears.......  A man walks into a pub and meets a gorgeous woman at the bar. They start chatting, things go just fine and before long they are off to her place for a coffee.  By now there's no going back and soon they're in her bedroom kissing and cuddling. He can't help noticing that her bedroom is stacked out with teddy bears. Big ones around the top shelves, medium size on the middle shelves and a good selection of small ones down below. By this time they're out of their clothes and it's getting very passionate so his surprise at such a large collection is overtaken by more pressing matters. After making love to her all night the man rolls over, smiling and asks 'How was it?'   'Well,' she says, 'you can take your pick of any of the prizes from the bottom shelf.'                                                                                                                                               
26/10/12 Bert, an angler, keeps blanking at his local trout reservoir but to keep his wife happy  (to show he isn't wasting time not doing the garden), he pops yet again into the local fishmongers. " Hello Fred," he says "you'd better throw a couple of trout into my bass bag. Got to keep up appearances." "I suggest you have some mackerel instead Bert" Fred replies. " What! You know there's no Mackerel in Butlan Water. I'll be found out!" "That's right" said Fred. "Your wife was in here earlier. She told me she's fed up with trout and you're to bring home some mackerel instead".           
19/10/12 This is a typical reaction I see when one of our anglers hooks into one of the mermaids in the lake, although the salmon are amazing as well. Good to see she is using one of the new benches but a hand on the reel would be a good idea, (see below).         
10/10/12 Let's go over the rules again, fly fishing only and NO WADING! At least this angler is holding her rod properly, even President Putin can get caught out like that but I will not reproduce the photo here. You will have to find it elsewhere (google images) his man boobs don't belong on this tasteful page. 
04/10/12 Wake up! Forget about the teddy bears, it's time to go fishing! You can wear what you like but this is the second time this week |I've had to say fly only, no spinning allowed. 
27/09/12 I'm thinking of investing in a teddy bear siut...   
19/09/12 A teddy bear never knows who he'll get for an owner. Most likely it'll be some toddler who specialises in tearing him limb from limb. Some teddys are really lucky however, no wonder this one has a smile on his face.
11/09/12 Not much happening until the fishery gets going in October, time to catch up on some sleep. Teddy is still wide awake though, maybe he should try to relax.......... 
01/09/12 If you don't have any suntan lotion you can always use a bit of sand to cover the parts which might get burnt.
22/08/12 I've noticed one or two anglers getting sunburnt recently, you must remember to apply the suntan lotion
14/08/12 Well the Olympics are over, so we'll get back to what we like doing the best. But before we get out the fishing gear,  I'll join my friend for a drink by the pool........
04/08/12 I turned up at the beach for a game of volleyball with my partner (pictured) and the whole place was deserted. They must be fishing, I can't think of anything else going on.......... 
25/07/12 The trouble with cards is that things get out of hand, and arguments break out about who holds the aces. Not me obviously..........
16/07/12 It's the holidays and playing a game of cards is a good way of passing the time. Trouble is that my opponent seems to have an unfair advantage and with a hand like, this my chances of winning are pretty remote.
04/07/12  If you've come to check that there really are mermaids, here is the proof. I caught this one in a net just the other day. 
01/07/12 All right that's fully dressed but a fur coat might be a bit hot for the middle of summer......... well for most summers, but it could be a good idea for the summer we're having this year. 
21/06/12 Jeans with belt, we're making progress.......... 
08/06/12  To return to the topic in question. One has to put on clothes to be dressed. Yes, that's a start......I don't know how one ends up with arms crossed like that though..
28/05/12  Hello to everyone who came here via the new emailing facility. This page is sometimes about fishing; but not very often, much more about making you smile.
 24/05/12 No, changing to wood does not count either.
18/05/12 No putting a bracelet on with a necklace doesn't count as being dressed.
11/05/12 A pearl necklace is very posh but I think one needs a dress to go with it.
08/05/12 Well, formal is good with earings too I suppose.......
 01/01/12 As for formal dress you must have bangles, don't forget the bangles.
17/04/12 The sun doesn't always shine and when it's cooler the bikini and sunhat has to be swapped for something a little more formal. 
09/04/12 When you've finished walking just relax with a drink but don't take off the sunhat yet.
29/03/12 And if you go for a paddle make sure your friend wears a sun hat.....  
20/03/12 When you're out and about on a boat, what would we do other than a bit of fishing? As long as the crew will stop sitting on the net.
10/03/12 Where were we? Oh yes, if you go by boat it's important that the crew members are wearing a hat.
29/02/12 If you survived Valentines Day you did well but much greater danger lurks today for it's a leap year and you might come across one of these waiting to pop the question to you. Better back off quick while she's still looking in the mirror. 
14/02/12 Well it is Valentine's Day.
22/01/12 Maybe the aeroplane gets there too fast. Much more enjoyable is a leisurely trip on a yacht, provided there is someone on lookout duty.
Of course the best way to go is by plane once you've got everyone of the wings and into the cabin.....
If you keep picking up hitchhikers the back of the limosine ( yes, we had to upgrade to get them all in) gets a bit full. Give them a glass of wine though and everyone gets on famously.
 02/01/12 Now the festive season is over and the car is fixed we must get back on the road. No stopping now except for the occasional hitchhiker we may come by on the way.......

23/12/11 Merry Christmas and Happy New year.
14/12/11 And if one does break down it's very useful to have a mechanic around. 
03/12/11 Here's the car to take me away, but I can't make the driver out. Is that a smile or an evil stare?  Can anyone understand them? Does she know something I don't? I feel very small in this passenger seat. 
 25/11/11 Ok we've used the key and opened the door, but you must always let ladies through a door first. I wonder why that should be?
20/11/11 Here it is, the key! It's not white but it must mean girl in white, I hope this doesn't get too cryptic, but we do need to escape and get back to the mermaids.
17/11/11 I had this dream, well I dream all the time but I think this one meant something. This vision pictured here came to me from the forces of light and said 'look for the white key'
10/11/11 This captivity thing has gone on long enough. Surely there must be a way to get past my guards and escape the forces of darkness. If only I could get through that door, but look what's in the way.
05/11/11 All I can do is sit here and pass the time. At least I've got a camera to get some pictures of my captors. Black bikini seems to be their uniform.
03/11/11To say that things didn't out well is a vast understatement. The girls have taken over and imposed martial law. Life under an occupying force is very grim just look at the treatment I get.
28/10/11 Now I know why they were smiling. No sooner had I bagged the shot and turned round, when over the dunes came this lot, armed to the teeth. Things are not looking very good at all............... 
26/10/11 Maybe it is all over and I got this snap of them running away, only why are they smiling? 20.10/11 Did you really think I would let the side down and get downed by those big red gloves? Of course not! Here is the proof that I got the knockout but I don't think it's over yet.........

17/10/11 Not only can I not figure things out (common man problem) but things have got worse. The boxing gloves are out and I'm getting beaten up. Help!

14/10/11 I offered a couple of them a cup of tea but I don't think they are very happy. How am I meant to know what's up? Especially if they just look like this and say nothing. It will take me a few days to figure it out...............

10/10/11 The work has been completed and the anglers are back round the lake so I've told the crew to take a break from all the hard graft. They have been working so hard that some of them fell asleep before they even finished their drinks. 

06/10/11 The fishery opens tomorrow and I think the work crew have packed their bags and departed. I say 'think' because I opened a door in the lodge and came across this one who'd got left behind. If any of you anglers find any more just let me know...........

30/09/11 I organised the crew to spruce up the fishing lodge and thought it was a good thing to delegate, but it turned out to be a bit of a mistake. I rescued this poor stool just in time from being 'improved'. Do they look like skilled woodworkers to you? They chose this white carpet; you anglers are going to have to make sure you get every bit of mud off your boots, home from home!

27/09/11 I'm not sure about the hat worn backwards but the gloves are on and we're off to work.

21/09/11 I can report progress! I have managed to get one of them out of a bikini and into some workwear. I now have a volunteer to go up the step ladder when needed; but I can't work out why she has to go up the steps three at a time.

13/09/11 And now they are playing piggy-back, I really give up with this crew.

 07/09/11 Ok I thought, maybe if I got a crew in then many hands would make light work, but it's no good. They just frolicked around the lake. Does it look like it to you that this lot would pull up weeds and shovel gravel? I think I'll have to do it myself.

30/08/11 During the close season there's lots of maintainence to catch up on and I need a bit of extra help. Trouble is you just can't get good workers. they just want to laze about a soon as the sun comes out and I can't concentrate on what I'm doing either.


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